Personal Essays
Wide-ranging explorations of what it means and how it feels to be a person, in this particular body, in this particular world.
The Tattoo Triptych
![“Word Made Flesh” Published by The Journal of Compressed Creative Arts • Medium (reader-friendly version) August 14, 2019I am writing these words by hand. My mind pinches the pen with its distal tips and presses its ink into threads of half-cursive that start wet and go dry. I pause to reread the lines: my mind is in conversation with itself. Writing-reading is a physical form of thinking in which the thoughts grow tendril-like from my gray matter onto the white page. […]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/54c0f933e4b00653d31cb12c/1583771481125-S7KH29EQ1072TUU3KPN0/Word+Made+Flesh)
“Word Made Flesh”
Published by The Journal of Compressed Creative Arts • Medium (reader-friendly version)
August 14, 2019
I am writing these words by hand. My mind pinches the pen with its distal tips and presses its ink into threads of half-cursive that start wet and go dry. I pause to reread the lines: my mind is in conversation with itself. Writing-reading is a physical form of thinking in which the thoughts grow tendril-like from my gray matter onto the white page. […]
“When My Husband Became My North Star, I Lost Myself”
Published by Human Parts
July 26, 2019
It wasn’t until months later that I remembered: My husband didn’t want me to get a tattoo. By then the wound of it had long since stopped weeping interstitial fluid, a thin amber tinged with blood and ink. My skin had scabbed over, gone dry, flaked. The tattoo was set. There was nothing he could do about it. […]
“The Age-Old Alchemy of Growing a Pumpkin”
Published by Human Parts
September 26, 2019
I slipped my bare mother-surgeon hand into its mother-patient flesh. It was cold. The slick of its innards trailed clear up my forearm as I scooped out fistful after fistful of new seeds. […]
The Body Politic
“Intrauterine: The Consequences Of Failed Birth Control”
Published by PULP Magazine
December 19, 2019
My IUD is over 99% effective across users. But nothing is 100% effective. I know multiple women who’ve become pregnant despite using birth control.
Some gave birth, and I have the faces of their grown babies in my family photos to show for it. They remind me how fertile I might be, too.
Others had abortions, because they’d already had enough children or didn’t want children at all. They have nothing to show for it, or nothing they choose to show. They’ve confided to me privately, but told very few people. Why open their personal stories to others, even close friends or family? […]
“Need to Know: When we say #MeToo, some people want details. How much more do we owe them?”
Published by Fearless She Wrote
November 10, 2019
I’ve never been raped, and for that I’m grateful.
Grateful — to whom? All the men who’ve chosen not to rape me when they had the chance? The stalkers who let me disappear into the street? That first coworker who backed off when I pushed him away in my boozy slur, rather than use his height and my weakness to pin me hard against a wall and drag me to his car? The men who’ve called obscenities from their trucks but kept driving rather than pull over or follow me home? […]
“The Accident Was Yesterday: In the blink of an eye, the fragility of life comes crashing in”
Published by Scribe
October 24, 2019
There were no sirens yesterday. Everyone was okay. Everyone’s bones were still wrapped in sealed flesh, unbroken, blood flowing in its usual traffic patterns. The blood sped for a while, but smoothly, unblocked, unspilt. Eventually it decelerated again. […]
The View From New Mexico
“The View From New Mexico”
Published by The Policy
September 30, 2019
On the night of Trump’s campaign rally in Rio Rancho, I was fifteen minutes away from the venue, working late. I forgot Air Force One had landed at the Albuquerque Sunport until I drove home on I-25 southbound and passed police car after police car. They were parked at each on-ramp, blue and red lights sparkling like continuous patriotic fireworks in the black of night. […]
“The West v. The West”
Self-published on Medium
April 10, 2017
Sometimes I wonder whether I belong here in the West — whether I am perpetuating this history of colonization just by being here and living on others’ territory. No, I didn’t march in on horseback with blood-stained weaponry. The only treaty I’ve signed is a 12-month lease, which I’ve so far yet to break. Still, I’m just another white occupier of land that doesn’t belong to me.
But what land could belong to me? My ancestors ceded all claims by setting sail from Holland a century and a half ago. Where do I belong? […]
“Blonde, Brown, Bloodied”
Self-published on Medium
May 10, 2016
My ancestors were Dutch. Not the Dutch of exploratory expeditions and exploitative fur trading — rather, the Dutch of the northern Netherlands and subsistence farming. As far as I know they struggled to survive year by year into the 1800s, simple and illiterate, rooted to their own native soil while European colonialism bled its way across North America for several centuries.
This is what I tell myself as I stand in the ruins of racist military conquest. […]
The Political Turning Point
![“One Week Under Trump: Alternative facts, rogue tweets, and refusing to keep our mouth shut” Self-published on Medium January 27, 2017Our new Commander in Chief is also facing a fresh “barrage of legal actions” related to corruption, conflicts of interest, and sexual assault. Cases are being brought by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, the American Civil Liberties Union, and literally dozens of other individuals and organizations. Although Trump has claimed multiple times that he’ll extract himself from his global business empire, it’s unclear whether he’s taken the necessary steps to do so, and regardless, ethics experts have repeated for months that nothing short of full divestiture will resolve his many conflicts of interest. […]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/54c0f933e4b00653d31cb12c/1631145937944-QSC6I92V42546QUSTMHZ/One+Week+Under+Trump.jpeg)
“One Week Under Trump: Alternative facts, rogue tweets, and refusing to keep our mouth shut”
Self-published on Medium
January 27, 2017
Our new Commander in Chief is also facing a fresh “barrage of legal actions” related to corruption, conflicts of interest, and sexual assault. Cases are being brought by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, the American Civil Liberties Union, and literally dozens of other individuals and organizations. Although Trump has claimed multiple times that he’ll extract himself from his global business empire, it’s unclear whether he’s taken the necessary steps to do so, and regardless, ethics experts have repeated for months that nothing short of full divestiture will resolve his many conflicts of interest. […]
![“What’s Next: Our post-inauguration marches were a resounding success. Where do we go from here?” Self-published on Medium January 22, 2017Standing amidst a crowd of thousands yesterday in Albuquerque’s Civic Plaza, it was hard not to swell with pride. Women and men, young and old, prim and punk, marching and in wheelchairs, white and brown and black: so many people showed up with signs calling out a wide range of concerns. The issues were as diverse as the individuals rallying around them, from women’s rights to Native rights to immigrant rights, from environmentalism to education to health care.Amidst so much diversity — because of it — the spirit of the day was overwhelmingly united and empowered.Then I heard the man at my elbow sigh to his friend, “You know, I bet most of these people won’t do anything after today, and that makes me sad.” […]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/54c0f933e4b00653d31cb12c/1631146136697-NKSNBUO4QZL6VJSQBLUT/Women%27s+March.jpeg)
“What’s Next: Our post-inauguration marches were a resounding success. Where do we go from here?”
Self-published on Medium
January 22, 2017
Standing amidst a crowd of thousands yesterday in Albuquerque’s Civic Plaza, it was hard not to swell with pride. Women and men, young and old, prim and punk, marching and in wheelchairs, white and brown and black: so many people showed up with signs calling out a wide range of concerns. The issues were as diverse as the individuals rallying around them, from women’s rights to Native rights to immigrant rights, from environmentalism to education to health care.
Amidst so much diversity — because of it — the spirit of the day was overwhelmingly united and empowered.
Then I heard the man at my elbow sigh to his friend, “You know, I bet most of these people won’t do anything after today, and that makes me sad.” […]
![“Earth Wars: Rogue One and the need for a New Hope” Self-published on Medium December 24, 2016How quaint it was watching Star Wars as a child in the nineties and interpreting it as a mere fable of good versus evil, Light versus Dark. Its villains weren’t real, and if they were, they’d already been vanquished a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Or at least, they’d been vanquished decades ago on another continent, since the Empire’s British accents and Nazi-inspired uniforms so clearly conjure images of a conquering European power while the Rebels’ scrappy guerrilla forces and devotion to higher principles channel the semi-mythical spirit of American Revolutionaries. The forces of dictatorship are evil and doomed to fail; the virtues of democracy will prevail; the Star Wars trilogy concludes in jubilation, and the world is safe again, just as it felt safe again at the close of the Cold War.No longer.The real-world parallels in Rogue One feel suddenly, shockingly relevant right here in America today, but the script has been flipped. The Dark Side isn’t distant, long-defeated colonialism or fascism — it isn’t far away at all. The Dark Side is right at home among us. […]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/54c0f933e4b00653d31cb12c/1631146438120-L9WC5PHGHI7HLJYJVHIO/Earth+Wars.jpeg)
“Earth Wars: Rogue One and the need for a New Hope”
Self-published on Medium
December 24, 2016
How quaint it was watching Star Wars as a child in the nineties and interpreting it as a mere fable of good versus evil, Light versus Dark. Its villains weren’t real, and if they were, they’d already been vanquished a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Or at least, they’d been vanquished decades ago on another continent, since the Empire’s British accents and Nazi-inspired uniforms so clearly conjure images of a conquering European power while the Rebels’ scrappy guerrilla forces and devotion to higher principles channel the semi-mythical spirit of American Revolutionaries. The forces of dictatorship are evil and doomed to fail; the virtues of democracy will prevail; the Star Wars trilogy concludes in jubilation, and the world is safe again, just as it felt safe again at the close of the Cold War.
No longer.
The real-world parallels in Rogue One feel suddenly, shockingly relevant right here in America today, but the script has been flipped. The Dark Side isn’t distant, long-defeated colonialism or fascism — it isn’t far away at all. The Dark Side is right at home among us. […]
![“On America’s Greatness, or, Why I’m With Her” Self-published on Medium November 7, 2016It’s great that in my first and second national elections, I got to vote for our nation’s first African American president. In my third, I’m looking forward to voting for our first female president. And if democracy doesn’t fall apart over calls to monitor polls, preemptive accusations of rigged elections, and an unprecedented failure to transfer power peacefully — if this tradition keeps living on, and the people of our country keep struggling and working together to become safer and fairer for people of all heritages, all races, all genders, all sexualities — rather than regressing to a romanticized past of rich white males who have all the power and manipulate every system to their personal advantage at the expense of the greater good, as Trump would have it — well, then I can’t wait to see who’s on the ballot the next time around. […]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/54c0f933e4b00653d31cb12c/1631146391379-FXGAPOY07DFPYQ5XEY0V/America%2527s%2BGreatness.jpg)
“On America’s Greatness, or, Why I’m With Her”
Self-published on Medium
November 7, 2016
It’s great that in my first and second national elections, I got to vote for our nation’s first African American president. In my third, I’m looking forward to voting for our first female president. And if democracy doesn’t fall apart over calls to monitor polls, preemptive accusations of rigged elections, and an unprecedented failure to transfer power peacefully — if this tradition keeps living on, and the people of our country keep struggling and working together to become safer and fairer for people of all heritages, all races, all genders, all sexualities — rather than regressing to a romanticized past of rich white males who have all the power and manipulate every system to their personal advantage at the expense of the greater good, as Trump would have it — well, then I can’t wait to see who’s on the ballot the next time around. […]
![“A Dictatorship Would Be Easier: A glimpse at the behind-the-scenes work of election day” Self-published on Medium June 8, 2016Not two weeks ago I was just another private citizen, but after three hours of on-site training I swore a solemn oath of office. I was a System Clerk now, and I’d pledged to support the Constitutions of the United States and the State of New Mexico in my work at the polls on June 7.My main takeaway from training? To run a polling place is tediously bureaucratic. Rules upon statutes upon regulations govern how one-time workers like me must handle every slip of paper that passes through the place. Privacy folders, torn ballots, reprints — everything needed to be carefully counted throughout the day and reconciled with tabulator data by the end of our 16-hour shift. […]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/54c0f933e4b00653d31cb12c/1631145402193-IQFSUVCO5NZ8A5LZF75R/Vote+Here.jpeg)
“A Dictatorship Would Be Easier: A glimpse at the behind-the-scenes work of election day”
Self-published on Medium
June 8, 2016
Not two weeks ago I was just another private citizen, but after three hours of on-site training I swore a solemn oath of office. I was a System Clerk now, and I’d pledged to support the Constitutions of the United States and the State of New Mexico in my work at the polls on June 7.
My main takeaway from training? To run a polling place is tediously bureaucratic. Rules upon statutes upon regulations govern how one-time workers like me must handle every slip of paper that passes through the place. Privacy folders, torn ballots, reprints — everything needed to be carefully counted throughout the day and reconciled with tabulator data by the end of our 16-hour shift. […]
![“The Original Radioactive Desert: Walking the world’s first nuclear ground zero” Self-published on Medium April 7, 2016The Tularosa Downwinders and their unreadable signs disappeared in my rearview as I drove another five miles to a security checkpoint. I’d reached the northern edge of White Sands and was crossing into army land. A guard checked my state-issued ID card and waved me through with a warning: no photography allowed for the next seventeen miles.Depending who you ask, the Trinity site is either sacred ground or sacrilegious. Either way it’s significant, though you wouldn’t know it at a glance. Yucca and dry grass extended flatly as far as the eye could see, and the terrain didn’t change as I rolled deeper and deeper into the missile range. My tires churned up trails of dust and pinged the car’s undercarriage with a steady hail of gravel. […]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/54c0f933e4b00653d31cb12c/1631145110723-7K3BMMTU0TRT7F0FTEU1/Radioactive+Desert.jpeg)
“The Original Radioactive Desert: Walking the world’s first nuclear ground zero”
Self-published on Medium
April 7, 2016
The Tularosa Downwinders and their unreadable signs disappeared in my rearview as I drove another five miles to a security checkpoint. I’d reached the northern edge of White Sands and was crossing into army land. A guard checked my state-issued ID card and waved me through with a warning: no photography allowed for the next seventeen miles.
Depending who you ask, the Trinity site is either sacred ground or sacrilegious. Either way it’s significant, though you wouldn’t know it at a glance. Yucca and dry grass extended flatly as far as the eye could see, and the terrain didn’t change as I rolled deeper and deeper into the missile range. My tires churned up trails of dust and pinged the car’s undercarriage with a steady hail of gravel. […]